3 Marriage Myths Keeping You Stuck (And What Actually Builds Lasting Love)

BY JOSHUA SHOEMAKER

Stop believing fairytales. Start building real marriages.

You've been sold lies about marriage. By rom-coms. By Instagram. By people faking it for the camera.

And those lies? They're keeping you stuck.

Here are the three biggest marriage myths and the truth that actually works.

Myth 1: "The Right Person" Means Easy Marriage

The Lie:

"When you find the right person, it just works. Love shouldn't be this hard."

Why We Believe It:

Every romance movie. Every love song. Every Instagram couple looking perfect.

The narrative: Find your soulmate. Fall in love. Live happily ever after.

If it's hard? You married the wrong person.

The Truth:

Every person requires work. Every marriage requires effort.

There's no "right person" who makes marriage easy. There's just two imperfect people choosing each other every day.

Our Story:

Year three, we were fighting constantly. I thought: Did we make a mistake? Maybe he's not the right person.

Then I realized: He IS the right person. Marriage is just hard.

The "right person" doesn't mean:

You never fight
Communication is effortless
Everything flows perfectly

The "right person" means:

You both choose to stay
You both do the work
You both grow together

Stop waiting for easy. Start choosing effort.

Myth 2: The Spark Never Fades in Healthy Marriages

The Lie:

"If the spark is gone, your marriage is dead."

Why We Believe It:

We're told passion should be constant. Butterflies should never fade. If you're not "in love" every day, something's wrong.

The Truth:

The spark fades. In every marriage. That's normal.

Passion fluctuates. Butterflies come and go. Some seasons you're madly in love. Some seasons you're just surviving.

That's not failure. That's marriage.

What Actually Happens:

Year 1: Can't keep your hands off each other. Everything is exciting.

Year 3: You've seen each other sick. You know their annoying habits. Less butterflies, more real life.

Year 5: Kids. Business. Stress. You're exhausted. Intimacy takes effort.

Year 7: You've weathered hard seasons. The spark looks different now. Deeper. More intentional.

The spark doesn't stay the same. It evolves.

What We Learned:

The "spark" isn't a feeling. It's a choice.

Choosing to:

Pursue each other when you're tired
Prioritize intimacy when it's inconvenient
Date each other when life is chaos
Show affection when you don't feel like it

The spark fades when you stop choosing each other. Not because you married wrong.

Myth 3: Love Is Enough

The Lie:

"All you need is love."

Why We Believe It:

It sounds romantic. Idealistic. Beautiful.

If you love each other, you'll figure it out.

The Truth:

Love is not enough. You need love + effort + systems + grace.

You can love someone deeply and still have a terrible marriage if you don't do the work.

What Actually Saves Marriages:

Love provides the motivation.

Effort shows up daily, even when you don't feel like it.

Systems save you when motivation fails (daily check-ins, weekly planning, monthly reviews).

Grace covers the mistakes, the bad days, the times you fail each other.

Real Example:

We love each other. Always have.

But in year three, love wasn't saving us. We were distant. Fighting constantly. Barely connected.

Love wasn't enough.

We needed:

Systems (daily check-ins, weekly planning)
Effort (showing up even when tired)
Grace (forgiving the mistakes)

Love + systems + effort + grace = Lasting marriage.

What Actually Builds Lasting Love

Now that we've destroyed the myths, here's what actually works:

1. Daily Discipline Over Occasional Romance

Don't wait for "spark" to return. Build daily habits:

10-minute check-ins
Physical touch (three times a day)
One act of service without being asked

Small daily deposits compound into strong marriages.

2. Choosing Each Other When It's Hard

Anyone can love when it's easy. Marriage warriors choose each other when it's hard.

When they're stressed and snapping at you. When you're tired, and they want to talk. When would it be easier to quit?

Choose them anyway.

3. Building Systems That Work When Feelings Don't

Motivation is unreliable. Systems are not.

Build:

Daily check-in system
Weekly planning system
Monthly review system

Trust the system when you don't trust your feelings.

4. Fighting Fair (Not Fighting Less)

You'll fight. That's not the problem.

The problem is fighting dirty:

Name-calling
Bringing up past mistakes
Threatening divorce
Stonewalling

Fight fair:

Stay on topic
Take breaks when it escalates
Apologize genuinely
Come back to it

5. Grace for the Growing Pains

You're both going to mess up. A lot.

Forget important dates. Say hurtful things. Make selfish decisions. Drop the ball.

Grace covers the mess while you grow.

Not fake grace ("it's fine" when it's not).

Real grace ("That hurt. I forgive you. Let's do better.")

The Marriage Nobody Posts on Instagram

Real marriage looks like:

Loving someone even when you don't like them very much. Choosing them when feelings have faded. Doing dishes when you're exhausted because you know they need rest. Having the hard conversation instead of avoiding it. Building boring systems that save you in a crisis. Forgiving again. And again. And again.

That's not romantic. But it's real. And it works.

Stop Believing the Myths

Myth: The right person = easy marriage. Truth: Every person requires work

Myth: The spark never fades. Truth: The spark evolves. Choose it daily.

Myth: Love is enough. Truth: Love + effort + systems + grace

Stop waiting for easy. Stop chasing spark. Stop thinking love alone will save you.

Start doing the work. Start building systems. Start choosing each other.

That's what actually builds lasting love.

Start This Week

Pick one truth to implement:

Daily discipline: 10-minute check-in every day this week

Choose them: One intentional act of love when you don't feel like it